I do not speed. I repeat. I do not speed. I hate speeding. I literally go the speed limit no matter how ridiculously slow it is set at. I’m that jerk who sets the cruise control at exactly 45 mph, and blissfully trudges down the road without a care in the world.
I plague my sister and husband to no end with my obsessive need to go the speed limit. I do not care if I am going to be late (which it most often the case). I don’t care if my law abiding ways makes other people late, (I’m a monster I know.) I honestly always go the speed limit. This wasn’t always the case. I too, was once a teenager. Which is precisely why I am not too excited about my son ever learning how to drive. (that is an entirely different story all together.)
I know that most people are probably shaking their fists right now yelling, “Ugh, Autumn, or the people like her, are the most horrible types of drivers out there!” But to be quite honest I would rather be stuck behind a 30 year old who goes the speed limit, rather than a drunk driver going 80. So calm down with that judgement. (animals)
Now, I recently started a job in Ann Arbor. On a good day it takes me 20 minutes to drive from my house to my work. That is only if for some odd reason there is apocalyptic silence on the I-94 freeway. On a bad day, it takes me an hour. One hour! ONE HOUR to drive less than fifteen miles! One hour! (I am going to let that sink in.)
That means, when I have to be at work at 9 am, I have to leave at exactly 8 am to get to work on time. Which inadvertently also means I have to wake up at 6 am just to shake zombie mode off. I like to sleep… I also like to stay awake all night. This traffic is affecting my scheduled 10 hours. 🙄. So I have started speeding. (gasps can be heard around the nation.)
Yes. I, Autumn Araujo, have joined the streets of Michigan and found my brethren. We glide at a comfortable 80 mph. Lines whip past our spinning tires faster than any “line” that was featured in the movie Blow..
Dear Jonny Depp, we would make you proud. Sincerely, Us
I warn you though, speeding is not for the faint of heart, I suggest thinking long and hard before you make that leap into the fast life.
I have noticed my need for speed has tumbled and twisted other parts of my life. In little over three weeks I have become a speeding monster. Anything that takes more than five minutes, is wasting my time. My need for instant gratification has doubled, nay tripled. Even if I am not on my way to work, I speed. I zip and zag, whiz and buzz past all of these glimpses of my former self. “Ha! Lesser humans who go the speed limit, eat my dust(or snowflakes because I live in a winter wonderland)!” I sing in my head as I pass car after car.
Pause. Pump the breaks! (pun intended)
This isn’t me! When did I become so, obsessed with getting everywhere fast? I even walk faster. (side note: someone remind me to buy new shoes).
I have decided that having a job and being responsible for arriving on time has ruined me. Sure this isn’t my first job, nor will it be my last that’s for certain. Nevertheless, even as I am speeding past the slow pokes on the freeway, I long for the day when I was carefree and unhurried. Speeding has caused me stress. I have noticed that I am more aggressive, angrier even. I have developed road rage. The benefits of getting to work on time have caused negative effects in other parts of my life. Lord knows if I keep frowning, I am going to have a permanent wrinkle the size of the grand canyon between my eyebrows. (right now it is tiny but who knows what it will be like after a year on the Speeding Lifestyle.)
I need to give it up, I need to go to speed rehab. (Preferably without the help of a police officer.)
How do I start though? Waking up earlier is not an option. 🙄 I can’t believe you were even going to suggest that. (Amateurs.)
If only teleportation was a possibility! Come on scientists you guys are seriously failing me right now. Step up your game, dammit.
You know who else is failing me? The makeup companies. By now I was hoping that the makeup applicator from The Fifth Element, would have already been invented. Step up your game makeup companies, don’t let the scientists invent teleportation before you give us what we demand. (see how I created a competition between the scientists and the inventors? Fingers crossed it works.) I really want a Makeup Viewmaster! You have big shoes to fill.
If anyone wants to start a petition for teleportation and a makeup viewmaster… I would like to be the first to sign them.
^the original virtual reality goggles.
Teleportation and a makeup viewmaster would help me out quite a lot. It would free up almost two hours of my morning ritual and eliminate the need for speed in one fell swoop. 😭
Dream of teleportation, humans, otherwise our grandkids are going to be the ones to invent it and we can’t let them get all of the credit.
**edit** it is 7:37 am the following day and I must have annoyed the Overlord of Traffic because I am a half an hour early for work. 😏 that is a half hour that I could have been sleeping…